If you use this toxic phrase, ‘your relationship is in trouble’

Relationships don’t fall apart overnight. More often than not, they crumble under the weight of small missteps that quietly accumulate — until they become too heavy to manage.

As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve seen many versions of this. Partners come into my office thinking their problem has something to do with frequent fights or arguments. But when we dig deeper, we often find the same root cause: what they say to each other in their arguments.

There’s one phrase I’ve seen come up in these exchanges that’s more damaging than you may think: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?”

If you use this toxic phrase, your relationship is in trouble.

At first glance, it might seem like a throwaway line or a sigh of frustration in the middle of an argument.

What couples fail to recognize is that the person named is actually irrelevant, whether it’s an ex, a best friend’s girlfriend, or even “how you used to be.” The real message will always remain the same: “You’re not enough, and someone else — anyone else — could do a better job at being my partner.”

Over time, this kind of comparison can give rise to irreparable insecurity issues. Rather than feeling loved for who they are, the person on the receiving end will start questioning their worth and constantly wonder if they’re living up to expectations.

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Relationships can’t thrive when we ask our partner to be someone they’re not. Happiness can only be achieved when we communicate what we need clearly, without shame or comparison.

That’s why this phrase itself isn’t the real problem. It’s usually a symptom of a much deeper dysfunction: the fear of openly speaking up.

Research helps explain why some partners might not express their frustrations openly — at least, not at first. According to one study, when a partner feels uncertain about the relationship, or unsure of how their partner will respond, they’re more likely to hold back. 

Rather than just saying outright, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together,” they compartmentalize it. These moments only pile up over time, until the day comes that they inexplicably blurt out something like, “Why can’t you be more like Sarah’s husband? He actually plans dates.” 

It’s not necessarily that they want a different partner; it’s that they don’t feel safe enough to voice their needs plainly. The more secure and emotionally close a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate directly. 

Instead of pointing to someone else as a model, turn the spotlight inward. What are you really asking for? And why are you so afraid to ask it plainly?

If you catch yourself about to say, for instance, “Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,” give these a try instead:

• “I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.”
• “It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.”

Notice how these versions are rooted in your own experience, not someone else’s behavior. This makes them bids for connection, instead of a sweeping accusation of failure.

Relationships require the willingness to love each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans — not as comparisons to someone else. Similarly, they require the courage to speak openly, as well as the trust that your openness will be met with respect.

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.

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