Doerge lost her father to heart failure, her mother in a car crash just five days before Christmas, and then, in 2022, her 16-year-old daughter Penny — “a bright light” who lived a love-filled life while coping with a rare disease, neurofibromatosis.
“You hold your grief with you always,” she says. “But what I would say to that is, you can hold grief and joy in the same space.”
Doerge became a certified grief coach and wrote a book, “Reimagining Grief,” which she describes as the book she wishes she’d had when she needed it — one that illuminates a path for moving through grief with agency instead of just letting it wash over you.
Not moving on, moving through
“I think sometimes people feel guilty for moving on. You’re never ‘moving on.’ You’re moving through,” Doerge says.
She encourages people to “reach for the joy,” even in times of darkness.
“To be able to infuse, a little bit, that opportunity of ‘reach for the joy’ — what are the things that bring you joy? You can go to the cemetery, but what are the flowers he loved? Wear his favorite color. So you’re still moving through it and you’re moving forward.”
Other ways of reaching for joy?
“It’s the little things,” she says. “It’s turning on music you love driving down the road. And what song do you want to hear? What’s going to bring you joy? Getting outside with your dogs or with a friend. Putting your face in the sunshine. A great cup of coffee. You know, it doesn’t have to be a lot.”
Connect with others
A key piece of advice, Doerge says, is to connect with others.
It’s the No. 1 thing on the list she calls the five actions of grief — not the five stages you may have heard of in the past, but five actions that can help you carry grief through your life.
“We as human beings need each other. In order to move through life and loss, you need someone by your side. And there is scientific research that has showed that with connection — and it doesn’t have to be big, whether it’s a grief group or it’s a runner’s club or going to your exercise class — connection reduces the amount of prolonged grief. It reduces the amount of PTSD, anxiety and depression,” she explains.
“And so I think that was the first step, [the first] action I took, because I also recognized grief is isolating. It is, it can be really lonely.”
Celebrate your loved one
The second item on the action list is to celebrate your loved one, even in the midst of sadness.
“It’s hard to celebrate,” Doerge says. “I think it’s the little things. … It’s about remembering what your loved ones loved and doing something in their honor. Wearing the color that they loved. Serving this food that they loved. You know, the little things of playing the music that they listened to all the time. What’s ways you can connect with them, and therefore you’re celebrating them.
“You’re keeping their legacy alive by doing the things they loved.”
Be open to signs
Action No. 3 has a spiritual dimension: Be open to signs.
Doerge describes this as a kind of faith — not the same as religious faith, but a belief that you’re on the path you’re meant to be. It means looking for moments of connection and being open to signs that your loved one is still with you.
For her, a glimpse of a butterfly is a sign that evokes her daughter Penny, who wore a little butterfly necklace.
“This idea of a butterfly represents an inextinguishable soul always drawn to the light. And that’s so Penny,” she says. “And how beautiful is it for us to open our eyes to the signs?”
Get moving
The next action on the list: Get moving. The power of physical movement can help you push through emotional loss.
“When people say, I can’t imagine losing a child, I’ll say, Imagine if you did. Imagine instead of staying in bed with the covers over your head, not wanting to get out of bed, what would your child want you to do? They would want you to get up, one foot in front of the other,” Doerge says.
“Just get yourself outside,” she continues. “If you show yourself you can do that, then you can keep going. You’re showing others you’re moving forward. So it is critical to move that energy, to move that anxiety through your body.”
Turn pain into purpose
The last of the five actions Doerge lists in her book is to turn pain into purpose.
During the last weeks of her daughter’s life, when Penny had developed an inoperable brain tumor, the family chose “to fill the house with love and light and create this love cocoon.” They held a celebration of life filled with her favorite songs.
The next day, she says, she and her husband woke up and realized they needed to do something to harness all that love and support. For them, it meant “we have to find a cure for the condition that took her life.”
They founded Penny’s Flight Foundation to fund scientific research to find a cure for neurofibromatosis, a genetic condition that causes tumors to grow on nerve pathways, and to educate the public about this little-known condition that’s actually more common than ALS.
“150,000 people have NF, 30,000 people have ALS. Everyone knows of ALS because of the Ice Bucket Challenge and all the awareness. But no one knows about NF,” a condition that looks different in different patients.
How to offer support
What advice does she have for those who don’t know what to say to someone stricken with grief?
She keeps it simple: “You know, I’m thinking about you. Even if it’s a simple text, just that connection. And knowing that they are supported means so much.”
“Let’s go for a walk, I’m here for you,” she offers. “And you know what the reality is? It may take time, but just keep showing them you’re there for them and you love them and you’re supporting them.”
She also suggests some alternatives to just saying “I’m sorry” — or not knowing what to say at all.
“What I have learned through all of this is how important it is when someone comes up to you and says,’ I remember the time your mother did this,’ or ‘I loved playing tennis with your mother because of that.’ And that is so beautiful, because that’s a way that you’re connecting. You’re keeping their legacy alive.”
“You create a connection by just taking that step,” she says. “Not only are you keeping her legacy alive, but you’re creating the connection. … So even if you don’t know what to say, just to say I’m here with you, my arms are wrapping around you, I love you.”
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